Let there be…Lyme?

I take a full, cleansing breath in, holding it gently, and marinating in its magic for as long as I can, before I let it rush past my lips, releasing, and softening more deeply into myself.  As I do this and look around, it is easy to see the fullness and depths to which I’ve traveled, expanded, and explored.  I’m overtaken by the love and sadness, beauty and grief, triumphs and mistakes, and everything in between.  I also have a deep knowing this specific journey is far from over.  It has already been filled with so many twists and turns, highs and lows, vast experiences, temporary destinations, and so, so many beautiful people.  I’m actually sitting here, writing you from this place.  For so long, I told myself I had to have arrived at a specific destination, to be “on the other side” of what I’m currently experiencing in order to share anything about it.  I’m realizing how untrue that is.  You never arrive, life is a constant unfolding, and that’s what makes it beautiful and flourishing.  My truth is, I had to slow down, take a step back, and really feel into my own experience before I felt safe opening up.  And while I have so many feelings swirling around as I write this, the biggest one I can name is readiness.  Readiness to show up in honor and grace, being as real as possible with myself and others.

The journey I am speaking of has been one I’ve been on my entire life, and it is the journey of my health. Since as far back as I can remember, my health, on multiple levels, is something I have struggled with. I used to joke that it felt like I was given a body out of the recycling bin.  It felt like I was always behind the ball and couldn’t catch a break.  My life has been riddled with unexplainable and seemingly unrelated ailments, getting worse and worse as time went on.  To the point over the past couple years, I felt more sick and unlike myself than I ever have in my entire life.  Ultimately, this led me to also push harder for answers than I ever have before, it truly felt like I was fighting for my life (which in many ways I was and am) and I HAD to figure something out.  During this process (and truly throughout my life), I have been diagnosed with various things, each doctor sure this would be THE THING that finally got me feeling better.  Ultimately, this process left me feeling ungrounded, defeated, untrusting of the medical system that wasn’t listening or seeing the bigger picture, and even more sick than before.  Through a lot of time, energy, and trial and error, I had pieced together alternative treatments and modalities that kept me going, but barely.  It wasn’t until I took a huge leap of faith, traveling to another country to a facility that takes a whole body, whole health approach, marrying Eastern and Western modalities, and specializing in mystery cases like mine, that I was finally diagnosed with Lyme Disease, among other co-infections.  To say my mind was blown is an understatement – a million questions rushed through my head, most of which was, “Is THIS the root of everything I’ve been experiencing?!”.  I was elated, angry, sad, confused, relieved, truly all the thoughts, feelings, and emotions, all at the same time.  How could I have ALL the access to ALL the options in the US, and before this point, no one had ever even mentioned the word “Lyme” to me, let alone thought to ask questions about possible exposure, or to test for it.  As I let this all settle in and began to wrap my mind around this information, my doctors continued with more extensive testing, and with the results, are fairly confident in the fact I have had this either since I was born, or from a very young age, and ultimately, it has been the underlying root to many of my health struggles.  Now, let me also say, it’s easy to blame everything on one thing and it’s so much more complicated than that.  Health is so much more complicated than even just the physical, it’s multi-layered, multi-faceted, and multi-dimensional.  I’m learning more and more every day about what this means for ME specifically, as well as being open to the fact that I don’t have all the answers.  And ultimately, this is the information I have right here and now, and I will work based off it until it’s proven otherwise.  I have also ridden these waves long enough to know health and healing are not linear.  Knowing that makes my efforts to be present and appreciate every good and beautiful moment for the gifts they truly are that much bigger in my awareness.  Sometimes I still forget all these lessons, I forget who I am and what I’ve done.  I still stumble and fall and must dust myself off and start again.  Yet, the more I lean in and learn, the more my life and health is starting to come together and make sense…and most of all, for the first time in a long time, I am moving in a positive direction and feeling better and better.  I’m finally coming home to my body, to myself.  So, whether it’s Lyme or some other mystery thing that took over my body and got me to that point, it really doesn’t matter.  What matters is that I am one of the fortunate ones who is figuring this out and healing, which cannot be said for so many who suffer from Lyme and other chronic disease.  

The reason I share this all with you is first because it’s cathartic for me…it’s a release, a sharing of my truth and current life happenings, and an opening into and offering of authenticity.  I feel like I have kept this big secret for so long, falling back into perfectionist habits and stories in order to make myself feel safer.  However, what I’ve learned is we don’t heal alone, we heal through connection and community, through leaning in and reaching out, through letting help and love in…which leads me to my next reason for sharing, to build awareness and create connection and safe spaces.  Around Lyme, chronic disease, whole being health, alternative modalities, what I’ve experienced, what has and hasn’t worked for me, the gaps and failures of our medical system and how we have to do and be better, and so, so much more.  I don’t want to make my health and Lyme the entirety of my life, however, I do want to share my experience in hopes it can help someone else who might be struggling.  In my darkest days, I counted on the lights in my life to keep me going, so I HAVE to shine my light on this and return the favor.

As I continue to navigate, my desire is to show up in this space as authentically as possible, while still holding healthy boundaries for myself and honoring the ups and downs of life.  I am still receiving treatments regularly and fighting for my health, and at times, this takes its toll.  What I have learned is I have to love, care for, and pour into myself and my energy first and foremost, followed by the family, friends, clients, and responsibilities I already have in my life.  What is left over from that, I hope to share with you all, as consistently as I can.  To continue to grow community and connection, build awareness, and let you join in on part of this journey with me.  As I said before, I know I have so many big, bright, and beautiful things ahead of me, as much as I know I have more things to release and parts to look at, process, and heal…this journey is far from over.  In fact, the healer’s journey is a lifetime commitment, and I am here to step into that light.  To step into my brand of magic and share it with the world in only the way I can…and in turn, giving so much permission, love, and space for others to do so as well.

The photos are from this past summer during my most intense round of treatments to date where I was inpatient for two weeks at Sanoviv Medical Institute.  I owe so much of my life and health to this amazing facility and the people who work their magic there.  I am eternally grateful for my experience with them. 💜🙏🏼✨