Biggest Act of Love

Seemingly contracting things can all be true all at once and I have the ability to hold and be with it. 

This mantra has carried me through so many experiences recently.  The manifestation of this truth has wrapped itself around me and settled into every corner of my existence.  The bittersweetness of seasons changing, a tug-a-war through the transitions of new beginnings, a deep desire to finally let go while still desperately grasping that final hold.

I have leaned into uncertainty and walked through countless portals, with each one trusting myself and my connection to Source more deeply than the last. 

A portal I am currently moving through, and really have been for the last year+ is conscious uncoupling.  Oooof. Yes, that thing most of us don’t want to look at, talk about, or even fess up to.  Myself included for a time being.  The level of shame and embarrassment I had felt around the situation I had found (or put) myself in was unbearable.  How could I possibly admit my marriage was over after only a year?!  I think back to just over a year ago and the fear I felt around sharing this truth with others was almost as big as the fear I felt around continuing to feel stuck in my life…almost.  And that is really only because I was getting caught up in the story of what society says and models this experience “should” look like and what it meant for me and my life.  However, buried under that fear was an ember of knowing I could and would show up differently, vulnerably, and as authentically, me.

During fall of 2022, after almost 7 years together, Ryan and I decided to transition our relationship and begin to consciously uncouple our life. We had been in therapy for several years together, really working to make our relationship last, when we got to the point where we realized it wasn’t a matter of good or bad, right or wrong, or anyone's fault to claim.  The truth is, Ryan and I are two people who to this day love and care for each other deeply, we are just incompatible in romantic partnership.  That is why I use the word transition as opposed to end and conscious uncouple rather than divorce.  Because Ryan is still one of the most important people in my life, he is my family, and always will be.  We both agreed from the start we would write our own script for what our future relationship would unfold into and look like.  I believe, if you ever love someone, that love doesn’t go away…and if you’re lucky and do the work like Ryan and I have, that love gets to transform into something more special and impactful than it ever could have in any other form.  In fact, Ryan and I have a healthier, more connected and supportive relationship now than we ever have. 

Now don’t be fooled, this has NOT been an easy process.  There have been many times when I have thought and said it feels like it would be easier to embody the same hate and resentment I’ve seen time and time again with how this story typically plays out in our society.  I wondered if maybe overall, the hurt and heartache would be less if I was tuning into a different energy.  But that was never my truth. Ryan and I have had many bumps and challenges along the way, times when I thought that desire to be in each other's lives in a meaningful way was nothing more than a naive, girlish dream.  This time last year, shortly after starting this conscious uncoupling process, we had a huge rupture in our relationship.  One that I thought was going to be the end before we ever got started.  However, showing up and working our way through that, along with many other circumstances that have come up in the last year has left us in a beautiful place, truly better than I could’ve ever imagined.  

Oh, and did I mention we’ve continued to live together this whole time?  To say Ryan and I have never been very traditional would be an understatement.  Much to the confusion of many people in our lives, due to various life and work circumstances, it’s just what made sense and worked for us.  And I am so grateful that has been our reality.  Knowing what I know now about the past year, I feel living together gave us the perfect platform and foundation to bring into reality our desire to model a new way forward in our relationship.  Together we have navigated each other re-entering the dating world, and along with that new love and heartbreaks.  We have giggled through the awkward and funny new experiences, cringed through some over-shares (let’s be honest, that’s mainly me), and held space for many tears.  Ryan has consistently been there for me through a year that has held some of my highest highs and lowest lows.  And now recently, he helped me find a new home and has offered his love and support every step of the way.

Packing and moving as I transition into my new space is bringing so much to the surface.  I have lived in this house for over 10 years.  It has been home to countless friends turned roommates and roommates turned family, held space for many chapters and transitions of my story, and was a nest for Ryan and I’s love and relationship (and, of course, our fur babies).  I realize I’ve held some resentment for this home in recent years…because as much as it’s been a space for beautiful things, it’s also held so much pain and suffering.  However, as I pack up and the space continues to empty out, I’m frequently brought to tears and all the memories and emotions bubble up.  The sharp edges of any pain are softened and a deep knowing of how meant to be it all has been washes over and soothes me. 

As the tears start to flow again now writing this, I am flooded with all of the feelings of both/and.  All of the seemingly contradicting feelings fighting for their space in my being, and with a deep breath and soft exhale, I gently remind myself it’s all real and welcomed.  It can all exist within me. 

As I reflect on the closing of two massive chapters in my life - my home and my marriage, I trust and know deeply my brightest, most beautiful days are ahead of me and always will be.  Mainly because I have done the work to foster a deep and meaningful connection with myself, Divine, and my soul family here on Mother Earth - Ryan most certainly being among it.

I don’t see Ryan and I’s relationship as a failure in the least bit, in fact, quite the opposite.  I see this as our biggest act of love, to not only let the other go in an effort to call in a more aligned partnership, but to do so with just as much love and care as when we started.